Everyone's The One
and other wise gems my Canadian aunt shares with me
Last weekend, I went to Canada (ayeeee, homeland bb!) to reunite with my extremely large extended family on the paternal side. I usually dread these grand family reunions because—without getting too deep into it—it often serves as a reminder of my lack in textbook successes and achievements. My grandparents usually gleamed over the fact that almost every single one of their grandchildren pursued a career in medicine or prestigious business of some sort. And yet, I went the other way and pursued something that I can’t even communicate to them nor does it exist in the Vietnamese language. So let’s just say, it’s a huge mirror to everything I’m not doing, while trying to put a good face about it.
Except this trip was different. I reconnected with my family in a new, refreshing, and eye-opening way. I had the opportunity to get to know my aunts and uncles through deeper conversations about adult things that once felt taboo to bring up “in front of the kids”, and all without feeling ashamed about my incongruous Vietglish.
One of these conversations really opened my perspective on love and how I’ve grown up learning its meaning in such broken ways. My aunt invited me to walk her dog with her and she shared with me the beautiful advice she’d given her kids that made me think about how my definition and experience of healthy love would look different if I had grown up with these sentiments, instead.
So I wrote them down to share and revert back to whenever I feel lost on love:
“I treat everyone like they’re The One.”
This was a response to my question about whether my aunt liked my cousin’s new boyfriend. When she said this, my mind was blown. For her to welcome each partner in her kids’ lives as if they’re The One means that her kids will never have to have this gnawing thought in the back of their mind about whether they’re with the right person. This phrase made me realize that anyone can be the right person. And no one can tell you they know who that person is for you.
I would go into a lot of my dating experiences hesitant about giving too much of myself worried they’d freak out and think I’m aggressively trying to tie them down. I think for me, this idea of treating everyone like The One means that I shouldn’t feel ashamed for going into every dating experience believing that this will be My Person because I genuinely hope they are, and I genuinely want to give my all from the beginning. Doing anything less would feel dishonest to all that I am and who I’ve become.
“I told her that, ‘You don’t want to lose your only brother but at least you’ll gain a new sister.’”
We were talking about how my cousin didn’t like her brother’s girlfriend at first, at the time she met her (spoiler: they end up getting married, which is why I was in Ottawa). But my aunt told her that one of the best advice she gave to her daughter was that there is the possibility that she’ll lose her only brother to another woman because he loves her and is happy with her, and if she doesn’t get along with his girlfriend, then it may cause a rift in their sibling relationship. Rather than losing her only brother, she can see it as gaining a sister (of course, it depends on the situation). And I just loved that answer because it’s rare for me to hear a mother not take familial sides simply for the sake of family. I loved that she viewed family as an opportunity for expansion rather than a rigid structure that can’t be broken. The reality is, it can be broken, and it can be broken by the very people within it. But it also takes the family itself to mend it and grow it together.
For me, as a recovering people-pleaser, I thought about how I date people as if I’m dating for my family and friends, too. It’s important for the people we love to also love the people we end up with, but rather than seeing it as a threat to my current relationships, it can be an opportunity to build and renew them with my partner in dynamic ways, and hopefully be a gain for everyone else as well.
“I won’t tell them what kind of partner I’d prefer for them because I don’t want them to ever think the person they choose is not good enough for me. I’m not the one dating, they are.”
This was my aunt’s response to her son asking her whom she preferred he’d date/marry, and I thought, had I grown up with this advice, I would never suffer from extreme comparison—with me to anyone else, my partner to anyone else, our relationship to anyone else’s. Her response seemed so simple and yet, I never thought about how this would’ve saved me so much overanalyzing about being “good enough.”
I think to all the times my mom would blurt out all her dating preferences for me, and I remember always feeling so hurt. I mean, it’s typical for Asian moms to do this, but what made me upset was that I already knew whoever I end up with is never going to live up to my mom’s standards. So it was a perpetual reminder that I will continue to never be good enough for my mom…including my choice in a partner. But reminding myself that this is my life after all, then my mom’s standards are pretty much null, and I have no reason to compare myself to anyone else.
“He would always tell me these rules like how when he first started dating [his girlfriend], he’d say, ‘Mom, you can’t hug her so early on, it’ll scare her.’ And I said, ‘Why? I’m just hugging her, not dating her. You date her and I hug her, those are two different things.”
This was actually said as a joke, and while it is a funny story she recalled to me, it taught me something substantial.
This year, I’ve been dating a lot and I had put a lot of pressure into each person—ready to run if it felt like it wasn’t “right.” I would pounce at any semblance of a red-flag gesture and take it as, “This is who I’m getting and I better leave now before I get hurt.” Naturally, it was my way of protecting my feelings and avoiding heartbreak. But similar to how her son said, “Don’t hug her yet, you’ll scare her,” I, myself, have acted on a lot of fear avoidance rather than trusting the process. I would question every move and interrogate every feeling as if I would get a hint of whether this person was worth continuing to date.
But nothing comes with additional meanings. There is no hidden script to the actions shown and the words said. And I’m realizing that I want to detach exorbitant meanings to things because it only creates false narratives in my head. After all, dating is just dating! Just as hugging is just hugging. Neither asks you to commit to a label nor journey nor person.
I was silent for most of the walk—simply absorbing all this wisdom dropped on me. I don’t even think she realized this conversation really had a significant impression me, especially since she said them mostly as jokes to make me laugh. But underneath the humor, I could tell that she truly meant these words with her heart.
As I took them in with mine.
the one looking for the one,
mai sunshine
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